“Who am I as a writer?”

The question “Who am i as a writer” is something that I have to think about and know how to respond to. For instance just writing this essay makes me think that it will not turn out good. As an example for this class we have free writing, and although it is considered “free write” and the professor states to “just write whatever comes to mind with the two quotes that are written”, my mind struggles and it just freezes. It’s me just overthinking whenever I try to do the  free write, “what do I write, how do I write what I want to write, does this even make sense, will it sound as good as everyone else’s”, somehow comparing myself with others’ writing.  It’s the feeling of uncertainty whenever I write an essay or just anything that involves writing, or expressing myself in writing. Although this is how I feel about my writing, you know how others say “there is more to the story”. There is more to tell.

My feeling as to what I think about my writing is that I started out strong and with confidence in my writing and have grown insecure and unconfident. It was like a feeling of a joyride, having its ups and downs. At the moment it still occurs and is happening in college, that feeling of emotions in my writing. In the beginning I enjoyed writing and still do but it’s the lack of confidence that I put into my writing that for me, seems to be an issue. I was always happy to see what I could write and what else I could achieve with my writing when I felt confident. I remember participating and sharing my writing in class when I was in elementary and middle school. Certain topics or any interesting topics talked about in class had always motivated me to write as well. Had such a joyful feeling when taking the class, never wanting to miss a class when it involved writing. Never feeling embarrassed about what I wrote, feeling happy at what I wrote since it was a way to express. Shit that feeling was the best during that best.

The feeling that I had,  was gone from time to time, I had become less confident in my writing, there were some topics that just didn’t interest me and felt unmotivated. The motivation for my work was something I had liked, as well as teachers who seemed interested in helping the students, wanting them to improve on their writing. Like I had better improvements in my writing when the teacher was someone who was there to help and not someone who was there to just get a paycheck. My experience was easy at first but later it became very difficult. The pressure of writing was too much, not because I was looking for it to be perfect but because of an experience that happened when I was younger. There was inner conflict with my writing and me, just trying to write something that felt good for myself was turning out to be very difficult. What had happened was that there were teachers who would compare my sister and I. Stating things like “you should write like your sister”, my sister told me that some teachers would do that to her and it annoyed me. Like in the first place they should never do that and what the fuck type of teacher would say that to a student that is still improving and learning. I would tell her “fuck them they nothing”. But although I had said that it had affected both of us, because my sister wasn’t confident. To me I felt an immense  pressure of having to do better for their eyes, writing good for them and getting a grade, their expectation of me was too much. 

With such feelings it had become difficult sometimes because I had such an overwhelming feeling when I wrote. I wrote and gave in the work but had no fun while writing it, sometimes even forgetting what I wrote and having to ask for some extra time to finish it because there was no motivation and joy. While growing up there were some teachers that were the opposite of what I first encountered. Teachers that saw my sister and I as having distinct writing styles and also pushing my sister to know that she is very good at writing, it was just very hard to put it on paper. Being able to write however I want and getting such motivation again since the teacher was not comparing us. I was able to express in my writing once again, not really caring what if it was the best but how I could express it on paper. There wasn’t an overwhelming and or suffocating feeling because the teacher was able to see our writing and never say something negative or mention things that weren’t necessary. That feeling of emotions that didn’t prevent me from becoming a better writer during that time. 

After highschool, college came around, new writing formats. It was kind of difficult but in my first semester I did well. I felt that my writing was very good, topics were interesting and I felt inspired and  the professor  was also very helpful. It was an amazing experience, I didn’t overthink and just put what I thought about into the work I was writing about and put it into the format. I was able to express myself in my writing at that time. But I hid and began being timid in my writing again. For this class, I’m still trying and it doesn’t mean the topics are interesting, it’s just that my confidence isn’t there in my writing which I’m trying to improve knowing that the professor is trying to show us that we shouldn’t shy away, but instead be more confident in our writing. That writing is a way to express ourselves. 

As someone who is trying to become a better writer, I feel that I have to be more confident in my writing, to be able to look past those experiences and have more confidence in myself. To also not second guess myself. Not just turn it in and think it doesn’t matter how it turns out. But instead being proud of what I wrote and taking feedback to better improve and being able to enjoy writing. Getting the same motivation that I had before and joy about my writing. As of right now,  It’s still a work-in-progress. I want to change the way I think about my writing. Not asking “Am I a good writer?, Do I sound as smart as everyone else?” Not just bringing myself down, but to improve and not have the same mindset. From this moment I feel like I’m still holding back and that’s what needs to change but I am still very timid in doing so. I’m in like this inner conflict with myself  that I’m tired of feeling. Like it gets annoying and pero ay que ver lo que pasa, por que todo a su tiempo.

 I want my current self to know that, “Never get put down by the pressure, but enjoy your writing, be confident and don’t overthink. See this as a challenge or level of a game that you will overcome and you will go onto the next level”. To even be like just write what you think dumbass, you know the fucking answer and stop second guessing, que no importa lo que dicen. And as an old mexican saying goes “Aquel que no espera vencer, ya está vencido”-Carlos Slim and “Hay que imponer nuestra voluntad a nuestras debilidades” .- Benito Juarez. Apply those words to myself and push my mind to improve further. For this class I hope to further let myself go and to get better in my writing, that is my goal.